


So Sometimes We Just Go Crazy

by HiMiTSu



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Beware, Crack, M/M, seriously, total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 22:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiMiTSu/pseuds/HiMiTSu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are leaving Merlin's office when Roxy says: “Those two would make a lovely couple.” And Eggsy falls over his feet. </p><p>Despite his better judgement Eggsy investigates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Sometimes We Just Go Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> Please beware. This is an absolute crack! Seriously it’s so shitty but I kind of like it XD
> 
> There is a Chinese translation by [ gammaray427](http://archiveofourown.org/users/gammaray427/pseuds/gammaray427): http://www.movietvslash.com/thread-158991-1-1.html 【need to sign up】  
> http://beautifulslash.lofter.com/post/1d0e201a_6793480

So Roxy says: “Those two would make a lovely couple.” And Eggsy falls over his feet.

She doesn’t stop to wait for him to pick himself up. Her heels click on a wooden floor, not too high, very sensible shoes that still go well with the pencil skirt and make her legs look amazing. And Eggsy blames Harry for the fact that he even knows how different kinds of skirts are called. Some tailor trivia along with how to clean your gun – great advices from a mentor.

Speaking about his mentor…

“What did you just say?” The volume might be too loud and his voice squeaks by the end; it makes his distress so obvious Roxy actually smirks at him.

“I just said that Harry and Merlin make a lovely couple, that’s all.”

“But they are not…not…” Eggsy splutters; he is perfectly aware how un-gentlemanlike it is but there is nothing he can do. Harry would be so disappointed with him for not being able to keep his cool. The only thing that actually makes him try to reign in his astonishment is how wide Roxy’s smirk is. She is that pleased with herself.

“I thought it was pretty obvious…how they act with each other.” The girl says, hugging a folder to her chest.

Eggsy frowns. “That’s the only proof you have? That’s they are…you know…”

“Why does it bother you so much?” Roxy squints at him, amazement melting away.

“It doesn’t so much bother me as…surprises. Really.” He makes a face that he knows translates his honesty the best way and doesn’t even need to fake it. He is genuinely shocked. Thinking about Harry and Merlin in that type of a relationship…it’s like imagining your parents having sex. He wisely doesn’t mention that metaphor to Roxy.

She softens though and just shakes her head at him, but it’s obvious she’s fighting a smile. “A Kingsman should be more observant than that, Eggsy.”

“I am observant. On a mission.” He hastens to contradict. For a moment he feels like an inexperienced kid again. “Just…Harry is so aloof all the time. He seems above such ordinary things as relationships.” Yes, that sounds good. A carefully constructed sentence of a reasonable length. So much better than his previous stumbling over every word. Harry would be so proud.

“They are very subtle about it, but it’s still noticeable. You just have to look.” Roxy winks and leaves; she needs to get ready for an upcoming mission.

Eggsy, on the other hand, is stuck at the mansion for some time. He isn’t sure he wants to ‘look’, but he will try anyway.

* * *

 

Roxy departs to France and Eggsy watches Merlin monitor her mission, giving tips along with dry commentary on the situation, and it’s a fun activity all on its own, but not enough to hold his interest for long. He hoped Harry will join them eventually and somehow uncover his relationship with the other man. Eggsy doesn’t really know what he expects, a declaration of undying love right in the middle of the lab maybe. Or, he hopes, if he blends in with the shadows, Harry won’t notice his presence and just snoggs Merlin right there…That’s not something he wishes to see, Eggsy thinks with a grimace, but for the sake of discovering the truth he might have to sacrifice his eyeballs.

“Are you alright?” It’s Merlin and he’s looking at Eggsy as if the younger agent is a criminal with a bomb about to go off in his hands. So, not really concerned, more like amused and slightly irritated.

“Perfectly fine.” Eggsy replies pleasantly.

Merlin looks doubtful for a moment, but then Roxy distracts him with a question about the building’s layout, and he tunes Eggsy out. Such a dedicated man. It’s a shame he’s already locked up…if you believe Roxy that is. And if you are into men, which Eggsy isn’t that is. And anyway where this pile of crazy thoughts is coming from?

“Lancelot, take a turn for the left. Two soldiers in your way. You are allowed to deal with them in whichever way you prefer.”

There are distant sounds of screams and Eggsy winces.

He sits through the whole mission and a little after that, until Merlin starts looking at him funny and asking if he needs anything. He probably doesn’t like people hanging around his tech for no reason. The man is territorial like that.

So chancing Merlin’s wrath, Eggsy stays for a half an hour more.

The worst part of it – Harry still doesn’t show up.

What a crappy boyfriend he makes, huh?

* * *

 

For his next move Eggsy stalks Harry. Though the older man noticed his lurkingright away Eggsy had enough stealth and mental capacity to make up a convincing lie about wanting to learn more from his mentor. And despite all the suspicious squinting Harry nods and allows it. Now they call it ‘shadowing Harry during his daily duties’. Which proves to be horrendously boring.

Harry types up some reports, looks into some cases of alarming behavior from some shady people, plays an easy card game once in a while – all that while sitting behind the computer in his office. Eggsy is kind of ready to stun himself just to avoid any more of uselessly sitting in a chair and staring into empty space. That’s when Harry says. “I usually go out for lunch.” And Eggsy groans out loud, because really…is it just lunch time? Had he only been here for three hours? It felt more like an agonizing eternity to him.

“We can order something into the shop, if you are that against going outside.” Harry offers, but the hesitation in his tone underlines the confusion.

“No.” Eggsy shakes his head. “Now, let’s go out. That’s a great idea. I’m sure a walk outside would be delightful.”

A pause. “It’s raining.”

In truth, it’s raining so bad Eggsy is a little worried London will be completely under the water by the end of the day. “Every weather is a nice weather.” He amends weakly, and it comes out more like a question then a statement, but Harry buys it nonetheless.

“Sure.”

Or maybe he doesn’t.

Anyway they get back to the shop and that’s when Eggsy notices Merlin in the meeting room and is struck with a brilliant idea.

“Why don’t we invite Merlin to join us?” He asks, looking at Harry with a bright smile.

Harry’s expression seems to be stuck in a frown of confusion for the most part of the day, and really? Eggsy can’t blame the guy. He can admit his attempts at spying are less than stellar. They are pretty bad actually. Horrible. Oh, who is he kidding, it’s a new low for him. He wasn’t this bad at spying ever since kindergarten, when he was trying to find out if Rosy Allen liked her birthday present from him – a little masterpiece made of mud and rocks. Turned out, girls didn’t like mud as much as boys. It was a ground shaking discovery that turned his world upside down at that time.

Sometimes Eggsy wonders how did he ever manage to score with girls before Harry came along.

“You can ask him, if you want to.” Harry replies to Eggsy’s question that got lost in his unpredictable and unstoppable train of thought.

The younger agent eyes his mentor and seeing no sign that Harry is eager or in any way pleased to spend lunch time with his alleged boyfriend, gives up and goes to invite Merlin along. Who agrees, so that’s a win (in what game Eggsy isn’t completely sure), but doesn’t seem to be overly enthusiastic either.

Eggsy is starting to think he was right from the very beginning.

And that’s when Merlin holds the door for Harry upon exiting the tailor shop and for a moment Eggsy thinks ‘This is it. That’s the proper boyfriend behavior’ but then Merlin holds the door for the younger agent as well and actually locks the shop after them. The rain had stopped which is a small miracle, though unhelpful.

“Our tailor is out for today.” Merlin explains.

“His wife is sick, isn’t she?” Harry asks with an appropriate amount of sympathy and they strike a conversation revolving around that subject which gives Eggsy some more time to observe silently.

And what he sees is…nothing. Absolutely nothing. No tension. No touching even. The two men walk down the sidewalk, distance between them the perfect definition of how close to each other two people should be walking to be considered friends and how far their hands should be for them not be thought of as something more. Someone could just take a ruler and measure the distance and put it into a textbook under the title ‘The Most Appropriate’. Hell, maybe someone should.

They talk quietly among themselves, but not intimately, involving Eggsy into the conversation from time to time and giving him some space when it’s obvious he isn’t interested in the discussion. During lunch they sit close, their table is pretty small, but not too close to be touching, still some appropriate inches between them. They don’t send each other coy meaningful glances, don’t hold hands, don’t play footsie under the table (Eggsy isn’t ashamed to admit that he actually checked subtly by dropping his wallet). There is nothing. Not one smallest thing to indicate a relationship more than work friends who save each other’s lives on a daily basis. Hell, it might seem Harry has more chemistry with Eggsy than with his alleged boyfriend. And isn’t that a scary thought that he doesn’t want to dwell on…

They finish lunch, get back to the tailor shop and each man goes his own way. Eggsy watches Merlin disappear into the conference room, Harry take a corridor leading to his office and decides he had enough for now.

* * *

 

He attempts some more spying the next day and the day after that, but his research bears no fruit and by the end of the third day he is completely sure there is nothing between Harry and Merlin.

He says so to Roxy just as she returns to the mansion.

The girl looks at him incredulously and then laughs, laughs long and hard, so hard that at some point Eggsy is starting to think her head is about to explode.

“I’m sorry,” she manages to wheeze out between gulps for air and laughs that still break out. “I was just messing with you.”

“What?” And now Eggsy kind of _hopes_ that her head would explode.

“I really am sorry.” Roxy says and snickers, waving him away embarrassedly. “I’ll stop. Give me a moment.”

She turns away, taking deep breaths to keep the sniggering down. Eggsy can do nothing more than stand there, staring and waiting for an explanation. He doesn’t need one anymore but still wants to hear it.

“Okay, I’m fine now.” Roxy promises but one look at Eggsy’s face sets her off again.

“I’m starting to get irritated.” Eggsy informs her.

“Fine. Yes. Sorry.” She turns around again and this time manages to keep her cool. “I didn’t actually see any proof that Harry and Merlin are…an item.”

“Why did you say they make a good couple then?”

She smirks. “I said that they _would_ make a lovely couple. I didn’t say they were…at first. But then you went and jumped to conclusions and your reaction was so precious I thought to go on with it.”

“That’s…” Once again Eggsy is left speechless and that’s two times too many for one week. He points at her accusingly. “You messed with my head.”

“I did. And I enjoyed it. But I am sorry.” Her apology along with her amusement is genuine.

He glares at her, not because of anger, but since it’s something that’s expected of him and maybe next time she’ll think twice before playing a practical joke.

“So there is nothing between them?”

“Nothing that I know of.” Roxy retorts coyly.

Eggsy just rolls his eyes and lets the matter go. He doesn’t care either way, but it’s nice to know where the truth lies.

After that everything goes just as well and normal as it used to. Eggsy goes on a mission and Merlin talks him through it. Harry sends him away with a friendly advice and welcomes him back with a reproachful shake of his head. He isn’t impressed with Eggsy’s popularity among young ladies of the highest society. Harry seems to be of an opinion that all snobbish people should be prudes. Case in point – Harry himself.

Eggsy meets up with Roxy later in the evening; they like to train with the equipment when there is nobody to disturb them. The mansion at night is quiet especially when there is no mission in progress. Brightly lit corridors are empty and silent, darkness behind the windows encompassing but welcoming in way, calming.

It’s a quiet night like that and so Eggsy says: “Lets’ see what Merlin has in his lab.”

It’s an insane suggestion, everyone knows how protective Merlin is of his personal weapons and tech, but what everyone is also aware of is the fact that his lab is a treasure chest where all the prototypes are hidden. Eggsy is young and reckless and lacks the tact of all the older agents even though he knows how to act as if he has it. He knows how to pretend, how to behave during a mission, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t the same careless kid from the shittiest part of London.

Roxy can be conservative and likes following rules, but she sees a glint in his eye and knows there is nothing she could say that would stop him from breaking into the lab. But she is interested too and Eggsy can see it.

They make their way to the lab, excited and careful even though there is no need for increased stealth. There is a light streaming through a creak under the door, but that’s fine; the lights are always on.

Roxy is the one to use a key card to open the door and Eggsy is the first to step inside, the girl right behind him.

They both freeze on the threshold.

So there are no words.

There is a sound of heavy breathing and choked off moans, soft but carrying through the silence. Above all the wet sounds of passionate kisses.

How does Eggsy know they are passionate?

(Because he really wishes he didn’t).

There is Merlin, sitting in his usual place behind the desk. It’s his lab so it’s not that surprising.

And then there is Harry. His jacket on the floor by the desk. The rest of the suit is still on, thankfully, though all ceased and in a horrible disarray.

Arms wound around Merlin’s neck, fingers caressing the nape. He’s straddling the other man and it looks like his body is glued to his lover’s, unable to leave even an inch of air between them, lips locked and moving in a kiss after a kiss after a kiss…

Eggsy chokes on air and Roxy squeaks behind him.

The constant moving of two bodies stops and the kisses break, Harry gulping for air and then stilling completely. He’s probably as mortified to turn around as Eggsy and Roxy are to face him.

“We will just go.” Roxy blurts out and grabs Eggsy’s hand to drag him out.

“And pretend like it never happened!” The young agent shouts as they run away from the lab, as far as possible.

They stop only when they are in the opposite wing of the mansion and still it feels like there is not enough distance between them and what they had just witnessed.

“Are they going to kill us?”

“What? No!...I hope, no.”

Roxy looks at him and he knows what’s running through her head. “Tomorrow we pretend like nothing happened. That’s all.”

She nods resolutely. “So I was right. In a way.”

Eggsy throws her a flat look, unimpressed and just hopes it wasn’t one huge practical joke. That would be too much for his sanity.


End file.
